TSMN: Hosted By the Bald Man & the Vending Machine
by AmazonTurk
Summary: The title says it all. Seven kids, two Turks...oh...my...GOD!


**_A/N: Well, Mystic wrote a TSMN (Turk Spawn Movie Night), dantesdarkqueen wrote a TSMN...guess it's my turn. Oh, the havoc...the absolute havoc!_**

**_Disclaimer: Mine? (bursts into hysterical laughing that sounds alarmingly like a chicken clucking)_**

* * *

"No!" Kandi shrieked executing a flying tackle and landing on her stomach, wrapping her arms around Rude's legs. "No! You can't leave me here with them! They will destroy me! I'm too young to die at the hands of Spawn!"

Rude rolled his eyes and looked down at his girlfriend. "Babe, someone's gotta go get the food and since you and I are the only one's with driver's licenses--"

Kandi lept up with a speed he'd never seen before. In the next instant, she had snatched his keys and was sprinting down the hall and toward the front door. "See ya, Sucka!" she shrieked with hysterical laughter. "Be right back, Kids!"

"Bye...Mom," Andria called, not quite sure if she had just witnessed her mother's exit from the apartment or the Planet. "Boy, I didn't know she could move so fast."

"Me either," Rude grumbled, whipping out his cell phone and dialing Kandi's.

_"I'm not coming back yet! I get the food--!"_

"If there is _one_ scratch on The Bentley's exterior, _one_ crumb on The Bentley's interior, I will destroy your collection of Wutain anime hentai manga," he growled.

_"No! Don't touch my manga!"_

"Don't destroy The Bentley!"

_"I won't!"_

"Okay. Be careful."

_"Okay. So, this thing goes from zero to 200 in what now?"_

_Click_.

Rude's face paled. "Kandi?" he yelled. "Kandi?!"

Cursing, he began to dial her number again. "Uh...Daddy Rude?" Andria ventured. "If she's driving your car..."

"The Bentley is not a car. The Bentley is a piece of art."

"Oh, okay, sure," Andria said rolling her eyes. "If mom is in fact driving...The Bentley, you might not want to distract her by calling her again. Unless you want your car...uh, The Bentley, destroyed. And, last time I checked, insurance companies didn't cover acts of klutz."

A fine sheen of sweat appeared on Rude's head as he looked down at the girl. He really loved The Bentley Continental GTC. He loved his girlfriend, too, but..."You got a point," he said. "Okay. Okay, well. Shit. I don't know what to do."

"I'm hungry," Bryce told him.

"Yeah, Kandi went to get the food," Rude told him.

"What movies are we watching?" Axys asked him, laying back against Bryce and crossing her legs at the ankles. "Nothing lame ass, I hope."

"Ax, I don't have lame ass movies," Andria said, chucking a pillow at her friend.

"It better not be anything we've seen before," Paulo said. "But you know, all these slasher flicks seem to have the same thing in common."

"Yeah, busty chick, evil dude in a mask or hideous face and a lot of screaming, chasing, 'Oh my god, please don't do this!' stuff," Azrael commented, unconsciously running his fingers through Andria's hair when she sat next to him on the couch. "Gets kinda boring."

"But I love horror movies!" Kaya pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. "They remind me of Uncle Renzo."

Damien grinned. "Yeah," he said. "He's always lets us watch the scariest stuff!"

Rude plopped down in the recliner. "Shiva, you kids a desensitized as shit, aren't you?" he asked.

The kids giggled. Azrael narrowed his eyes at the big man of the Turks, examining his arms. "So, Rude," he began. "How much are you benching now?"

Rude smirked. The Seph Spawn was coming into his genetics and as such was alarmingly strong for an eight year old. His upper arms were already developing finely defined muscles. And he was competitive as shit.

"Three seventy-five," Rude answered.

"Is that your max?" Azrael huffed.

Rude leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "No, that's what I start with during a workout," he clarified. "I end at 450 with three sets, twenty reps each."

Azrael's face flushed. "Oh yeah?" he challenged getting down in a push up position. "Watch this. Andi, sit cross-legged on my back."

Andria giggled and did as he asked. To everyone's surprise, Azrael began doing push ups with ease with the girl sitting on him. The silver haired boy did about 30 push ups like that, then crawled back to a sitting position next to Andria, grinning at his achievement. "Beat that," he commented.

Rude nodded. "Not bad, Kid," he said, getting down on the floor and laying on his stomach. "Az and Bryce, you two on my shoulders. Axys and Andi, right behind them. Kaya, Paulo and Damien, right behind them."

"No way," Azrael snickered as he climbed on. "You'll get halfway up, no further."

"He's wicked strong, General," Andria said, wrapping her arms around Azrael's waist. Axys imitated her and Bryce blushed, looking back at the red-headed girl attached to him.

Kaya and Paulo draped their legs over each other and set Damien on their laps, grasping each other's arms so that they were secure.

"Ready?" Rude asked.

"Yeah, but you're gonna...WHOA!" Azrael exclaimed as they began moving up and down quickly. "Holy shit! He's doing it!"

"Fuck, Uncle Rude!" Axys shrieked with laughter. "You're a freaking Bahamut!"

"This is awesome!" Bryce exclaimed. "No wonder Dad hired you!"

Paulo was laughing while grasping Kaya's arms. "Wicked sweet!" he said.

"I know!" Kaya giggled. "Daddy can't even do this and he's the strongest man I know."

Damien pouted. "Daddy can't do this?" he asked.

"Randak has a different strength," Rude said as he continued doing push ups. "He can wield a sword a helluva lot better than me. He'd kick my ass in a sword fight. But I got him in hand to hand."

"Different Turks, different strengths," Andria said with a smile, squeezing Azrael's waist. The little boy turned back to grin at her and she couldn't resist. She kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "You're still the strongest, Az. You're still _my_ hero."

The silver haired boy blushed at that, his cheek still tingling where Andria had kissed him.

"Okay," Rude said, holding himself up. "That's fifty. Happy, Az?"

The kids got off the bald Turk's back and Azrael nodded as Rude rose to his feet. "Yeah, that's pretty decent, Rude," he said.

Paulo rubbed his chin. "Hmm, think we can take him down, Guys?" he asked with a grin.

Rude arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"Spawn Pile!" Bryce ordered, leading the attack on the big man.

Rude laughed deeply as he was simultaneously glomped by seven Turk children, all hanging from various parts of his body. They managed to get him to the ground, all laughing as they clung to him. With a mock roar, Rude stood up and began depositing them in various places on the sofa and chairs. All of them were laughing so hard, they didn't notice Kandi had returned and was watching them with a grin.

"What...the _hell_ is going on?" she yelled.

Axys jumped up excitedly and began bouncing on the couch. "Uncle Rude is, like, so fucking strong!" she exclaimed. "He did, like, a bajillion push ups with us all on his back and then we all took him down and then he just...RAAAAAWWWR! And was like, 'I toss you around, weak Spawn! RAWR!' And, oh my gods, it was so much fun!"

"Hardly a bajillion," Azrael said rolling his eyes. "Fifty."

"Yeah, but still, General!" Axys said, still jumping up and down. "That was awesome!"

"Ah, anyone'd make Reno look strong, you poor deprived child," Kandi joked as she winked at Axys, pulling bags of chips and packages of candy bars out of her leather jacket and tossing them to the kids. "Okay, I got sushi, cheeseburgers and fries..." As she listed items, she kept pulling them out of her jacket. "Oh! And pizza!"

The kids, except Andria, stared at her in awe. "How do you do that?" Bryce asked, wondering how in the hell she kept the pizza box completely intact. "You're always doing that!"

Damien was wide eyed. He could understand the candy bars and sodas occassionally. But she had just pulled a freakin' extra large pizza from her jacket! "Do you haz magical powers?" he asked in a soft voice.

"No," Andria said, rolling her eyes. "She's discovered a wormhole in the universe that is her jacket and that's how she does it."

"Do you know?" Paulo exclaimed and everyone turned on Andria. "Do you know how she does it?"

Andria reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a two-liter bottle of Dr Schlepper. "What do _you_ think?" she scoffed.

Bryce turned to Azrael. "Dude," he said with a grin. "Your girlfriend just pulled a two-liter outta her ass."

"Back pocket," Andria corrected, throwing a peanut butter cup at him. "Get it right, President."

Bryce chucked it back at her and grinned. "I order you to tell me how you do that," he stated with authority.

"Negative," Andria replied instantly. "On the grounds that I swore to protect the secret and the one I swore that promise to has the ability to ground me. So sorry, President ShinRa, Jr."

"Kandi, did you kill Rude's car?" Kaya asked with a giggle.

"The Bentley!" Rude corrected.

"Oh," Kandi said, taking his keys and tossing them back to him. "No, I didn't even take it. I took my Harley."

"I wanna watch a movie!" Damien exclaimed.

"'Kay," Kandi said, taking her remote and flipping the satellite on. "Let's see..._The Grudge, Puppetmaster, Psycho, Friday the 13th_...oh! Here's a scary one!"

"What?" Axys asked through a mouthful of pizza.

_"Barney and Friends!"_

Everyone screamed in horror.

"No, Mom, oh Shiva, no!" Andria cried, covering her eyes. "Please, for the love of all things remotely holy, NO!"

Kandi snickered and kept flicking through the channels. "Eh, I don't know," she said, tossing the remote onto the pile of pillows and blankets in the middle of her living room floor. "You guys pick whatever. If you don't find a DVD you like in the collection, go through the satellite again. If you want to do a Pay Per View, the code is 2125. Knock yourselves out. Just remember, if your grown up enough to watch it, your grown up enough to sleep by yourselves when it's dark and the memories from the movie are scaring the shit outta you!"

Azrael grabbed the remote and started flicking through the channels, watching as Kandi and Rude went into the kitchen to get a couple beers, then head into her home office. "You're mom's pretty cool, Andi," he said. "My mom puts up parental blocks and everything."

Andria shrugged. "I usually don't watch that much TV," she said. "And she trusts me, so...you know."

"Cool," he said, still flicking through the movies. _"The Grudge?"_

"Yeah," was the collective reply.

* * *

Kandi and Rude watched from the hallway as the kids sat in the dark living room, watching _The Grudge_. Kandi began snickering.

"What?" Rude asked.

She placed her finger to her lips and indicated that he keep quiet. Carefully, she snuck into the living room, casting Haste on herself. First, she went to Kaya and blew in her ear, making the little girl shriek and the rest of the kids scream in response. Kandi had dashed back into the safety of the hall where she couldn't be seen. Grinning evilly, she waited for them to calm down, then went to Axys, pulling her ponytail and ducking back into the darkness.

"You're mean," Rude commented.

Kandi grinned. "I know," she replied. "Watch this."

Sneaking in again, she crept up behind Andria and grabbed her around the waist, screaming loudly. Andria screamed in response and covered her eyes. All the other kids were screaming too and Kandi was laughing her ass off.

"Mom!" Andria shrieked, wiggling to get free. "That was NOT FUNNY!"

"No, it was hilarious!" she replied with a grin.

Andria threw a pillow at her. "Go away!" she said, sticking her tongue out at her.

"Fine, fine," she said, stilling snickering. "We'll go be old people then and eat prunes and talk about HoverRounds."

"Don't forget the Depends!" Paulo called.

"Quiet, Sonny," Rude grunted as Kandi laughed.

* * *

"Commence 'Operation: Haunted Apartment'," Kandi whispered into her headset.

"Awaiting futher instruction."

Why had Kandi and Rude gone into her home office at the beginning of the first movie? Why to plan the pranks on the Spawn, of course! One couldn't scare seven children shitless without proper planning, you know. So, being the digital mastermind she was, Kandi had created a CG image so real, so freakishly scary that she was going to have come up on the TV screen that it would result in mass hysteria.

"Do you have the camera ready for video documentation, Bald Eagle?" she asked.

"Affirmative, Hot Mama," Rude replied. "Set to begin recording in three...two...one...and we are go."

"Stand by for mass shrieking, Bald Eagle."

"Standing by, Hot Mama."

Kandi entered the key sequence on her beast of a computer and sent the image to the TV.

What would happen was the movie would begin to skip and fade out, resulting in about a two minute interval of complete blackness of the screen, during which time one of the Spawn would attempt to correct the situation.

"What the hell?" Bryce asked.

The blackness...had begun.

* * *

"Az, fix it," Andi said, snuggling closer against Axys and fighting back a yawn. Axys, in turn, snuggled closer against Kaya and Kaya snuggled against her pillow. The three girls were piled together on the floor, the boys having sat behind them to 'protect' them. Damien was already sleeping.

Azrael yawned and got up, flicking the channel to try to find another signal. The blackness continued. "The satellite must have gone out," he commented. He checked his watch, pushing a button on the side to light it up. "It's after 3, you guys. Wanna just go to bed?"

"Yeah, I'm tired," Bryce said, tracing the shell of Axys ear as she began dozing against Kaya. "I think everyone else is, too."

"'Kay," Az said, switching the TV off and tossing the remote on the couch. He settled down on the pile of blankets and pillows and stretched out. "Night guys."

"'Night."

"See ya in the morning."

"Yep."

"Mm."

"Zzzzz."

"Paintball!"

Everyone giggled at that. "Damien talks in his sleep sometimes," Kaya said sleepily. "It's kind cute."

All talking ceased and they barely closed their eyes when they heard the TV click back on. Azrael felt a hand grip his arm with a strength that surprised him. "Az!" Andria squeaked out, climbing over and practically sitting on him. "AZ!"

"Andi, what is it...OH MY GODS!"

Axys screamed and dove for Bryce, burying her head against his shoulder, still staring at the TV. Kaya scrambled backwards and clawed for Paulo, trying to get her brother, who was still sleeping like a rock, closer to her to protect him.

"What is that?!" Paulo asked, holding Kaya to comfort her. Or at least, that's what he kept telling himself.

The image in the TV turned it's head and stared at them, a low, demonic voice uttering the words, "Those who watch this, will die!"

"Az, turn it off!" Andria shrieked. "Turn it off NOW!"

Azrael scrambled for the remote control on the couch and tried to turn the power off. It wasn't working. "I can't!" he yelled. "There's something wrong with it!"

"MOM!" Andria screamed. "DADDY RUDE!"

The image laughed evilly. "For decades I've been trapped in this apartment, unable to utilize enough energy to manifest myself into visual form," it said. "But now, with all the lovely power sources in this dwelling, I can know take form and claim a body for my own!"

"It's going to possess one of us!" Axys screamed. "Kaya, exorcise it!"

Kaya reached for her back pack and pulled out a vial of holy water from The City of the Ancients. She bravely walked up to the TV.

"Wait...what are you doing?" the image asked.

Kaya narrowed her eyes and her entire body seemed to glow. "By the power of the Ancients and the sacred name of Jesus Christus, I bind you and send you back to the hell from whence you came!"

"Kaya! No!" the image screamed. "Don't splash water on the..."

Kaya had uncapped the vial and tossed its contents on the super expensive, super cool, BlueRay built into the side, 52 inch flat screen plasma TV. A shriek of horror was heard coming down the hall as Kandi came running down it, tripping over Rude and landing in a pile on the floor, limbs tangled with video equipment.

Andria hit the lights and looked over the couch at her mom and Rude. "Mom?" she squeaked.

"My TV," Kandi sobbed. "My 52 inch plasma TV."

"You set this up?" Andria asked, her heart still beating a mile a minute. "You were the ghost."

"Yeah," Kandi answered weakly as Rude groaned and struggled to get up and help her to her feet.

"Oh," Andria scowled. "Oh, it so serves you right that Kaya killed the TV! That was a terrible thing to do to seven, sweet, innocent children."

"Hah!" Kandi scoffed. "Sweet and innocent my ass! That was a cool prank and you know it."

Andria continued scowling, but it quickly faded into a smirk. "I gotta admit, you had us going," she said. "Right guys?"

Axys was still clutching Bryce and Paulo had somehow managed to conjure up a teddy bear he was clutching. Azrael was paler than normal and Kaya looked like she was about to throw up. Damien...was still asleep.

Bryce looked at Kaya in awe, still standing up and clutching her empty vial. "Kaya, you were wicked BRAVE!" he exclaimed. "I can't believe you just...went right up there and...wow."

Kaya blushed. "Thanks, President," she said, wiping at her eyes. "But right now, I just really want my mommy."

Kandi's heart broke at that and she rushed to the girl. "Oh, Kaya, I'm so sorry," she said, pulling her into a hug. "I didn't know it would freak you guys out so much. I thought you guys would get a kick out of it since you liked horror movies so much."

"No," Kaya hiccuped, scrubbing her eyes again. "It's not that. I don't have any money to pay for your TV!"

Kandi looked at her. "Are you serious?" she asked. Kaya nodded. Kandi grinned and shook her head. "Kaya, don't worry about the TV. It was my fault. I'll get a new one."

Rude got up and scooped Andria into his lap. "Can anyone sleep now?" he asked.

Everyone, with the exception of the still snoozing Damien, shook their heads. He held up the recently made DVD. "Wanna watch?" he asked.

"Yeah!"

An hour later, everyone was asleep in the living room. Suddenly an unholy roaring was heard, bright lights flashing as a small creature made it's way in the living room filled with sentient beings. It manuevered around them, weaving in and out, inspecting them, watching them, all the while roaring it's otherworldy sound.

Rude started awake at the noise, seeing the being weave in and out of the children, approaching Axys' head, her long red-hair already being pulled into it's mouth. Acting quickly, Rude lept from the couch and stepped on the creature, it's exoskeleton making a disgusting crunching sound as he planted his full weight on it, his only concern was saving his best friend's daughter from this vile being.

Kandi woke up when she heard the crunching and smelled the smoke coming from burning wires and circuits. "Rude," she asked, looking over at her bald lover, his recent success of destroying the havoc short lived as she shrieked, "You killed my vacuum cleaner!"

* * *

_**A/N: (snickers) Kandi's such a fuck up. Reviews are loved!**_


End file.
